Thoughts on feedback and conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution Goal: Positive solution-oriented discussion. 

Desired Discussion

If there is a word or action I took with you that you didn't like, I would like to know. I would like to have a discussion to resolve this and I don't mind making changes to improve our relationship.

Communication Philosophy

My goal in personal and professional communication is to build a healthy long-term relationship through uplifting, positive, solution-oriented discussions.

Boundaries

Limits: Taking actions towards me I have specifically asked someone not to make (Negative labels; Talking with healing emotions; or Indirect problem solving).

Definitions

Limits: Things that would result in me taking some space if crossed. Example: I would walk away.

Negative labels: Using a word with a negative connotation to describe me as a person or my actions. 

Talking with healing emotions: Talking in a raised voice as an example. As opposed to talking about healing emotions.

Healing Emotions¹: The big 3 are anger, fear, and sadness.

Indirect problem solving: If someone else has an issue with me, they can resolve it directly with me. I do not wish to talk about it through a third party.

Examples

Example 1, presenting solutions: I noticed you said "f*%k" when talking to me yesterday at lunch, if instead you could say "shoot", or some other word I would appreciate that. Is that something that works for you? [talking in a positive, collaborative way]

Example 2, presenting solutions: When you said "it is dumb" when talking to me about the leadership flowchart on Tuesday, it hurt my feelings. Instead, could you describe what what specifically about it that you did not like? I don't mind making changes to improve the flowchart. [talking in a positive, collaborative way]

Q&A

Question 1: If you said something that really hurt me, I am going to get angry when I talk with you about it. How could I talk without anger?

Answer 1: I will take space if approached in anger. How I handle big or repeated problems: 

1. Healing emotion: I feel a strong healing emotion because something happed which I don't like.
2. Recognition: I thank my body for bringing to my attention something I don't like so I can plan a course of action.
3. Take space: After recognizing, I ask to take some space if the situation is ongoing. Within the next few days, I take the rest of the steps.
4. Feeling better exercises: I feel all three of the healing emotions, imagine the person saying and doing what I need to forgive them, and then I forgive them.
5. Problem solving: I imagine a situation where the person conveyed the same information to me in multiple other ways I like, so I can focus on positive solutions. This likely involves talking to a therapist or an expert on the subject or doing research on my own. Sometimes I find out that this issue has nothing to do with the other person and is a trigger from my own past, in which case there is no need to bring it up to the other person and I then go through feeling better exercises for the original trigger.
6. Presenting solutions, preparation: Before I bring anything up to the person, I state positive affirmations until I am in a positive mental state, then I ask if the person is ready to have a brainstorming discussion. If the answer is yes or they need some time, we can have a positive discussion. If the answer is no, I will likely be taking more space from this person in the future.
7. Presenting solutions, application: I noticed when X happened, you took Y action, which was OK. I was hoping to brainstorm some alternative actions together, I came up with a few and I would like to know if any of these work for you. Present some alternative actions ...

Question 2: What if I am upset because I know someone has a problem with you? What if I feel you should know?

Answer 2: That is someone else's issue at this point, if you make it my issue, that is crossing my limit. I suggest you talk with the person who has a problem directly and encourage them to resolve the issue directly. There are also third-party intermediaries who are specially trained to deal with these sorts of indirect conflicts if that is the only way forward. I will only agree to third party indirect arbitration if this is mandated by law, if not, the answer is no. A professionally trained arbiter will likely have the two parties present with the arbiter to manage a dispute through open dialog.

Notes:

1: Healing Emotions are traditionally called "negative" emotions. They are recommended to no longer be called this due to the negative connotation of this word. These emotions can be used to positively change our lives. Source: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One - By John Grey PhD.